


Letters and Deals

by drivingmishcrazy



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Love Letters, Marriage pacts, Smut, backup plan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:22:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26842825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivingmishcrazy/pseuds/drivingmishcrazy
Summary: Derek and Emily have a deal, but things go awry after Doyle throws a wrench in their plans. Stricken by grief, Derek writes letters. When Emily returns, she has a few of her own.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Letters and Deals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pelin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pelin/gifts).



Derek Morgan had once heard someone compare the realization that you’re falling in love with someone to the way you wake up on a Sunday morning, slow and soft and warm. In Derek’s experience, the realization was more like being shoved into a swimming pool in the dead of winter, a shock to your system that left you completely blindsided, shaking and gasping for breath. Or at least that’s how Derek felt when he realized that he was falling in love with Emily Prentiss.

Love. What had Derek Morgan ever known about love? The idea was laughable. Still, he couldn’t deny what he felt for Emily was the real deal. The moment he had known for sure seemed so insignificant in hindsight, they had been hanging out at her place after they had both struck out on their respective dates, scarfing pizza and beer, watching some mindless television show and commiserating about their luck, or lack thereof, in the romance department. Emily had laughed at some corny joke on the show that was on and leaned into him as she did. She had pizza sauce in the corner of her mouth and Derek wiped it away with his thumb. For two people who valued their personal space so much, they never had trouble invading each other’s, but neither one of them minded. They were comfortable with one another, which was probably why Emily felt able to say what she had to him.

“What do you say, Morgan?” She cracked. “In five years if we’re both still single, how about you and I buy a house, adopt a couple rugrats and settle down?”

“Careful now, princess.” He joked back. “I might agree to that just to call your bluff.”

“I’m not bluffing.” She said. “What? We can actually stand being around each other every day, we get along well enough, and if I had to co-parent with anyone on the team, it would be you. Plus, we’ve already seen each other naked so…”

“Hey.” Derek said pointing to her. “Getting drunk and skinny dipping was  _ your  _ idea.”

“Never said it wasn’t.” Emily grinned. “And it got me to stop teasing you about those thousand push-ups.”

“True.” He shrugged. “And now  _ I  _ know all about your tattoos and that little birthmark you have. But just what does  _ that  _ have to do with our hypothetical marriage of convenience, Prentiss?”

Emily rolled her eyes. “A woman has needs, Morgan.” She said. “Oh, don’t look at me like that! Do you really think I’d expect  _ you  _ to remain celibate?”

“Doesn’t mean we’d have to sleep together.” He said.

“Yeah.” She said. “You wanna explain to our kids why mommy and daddy sleep in separate rooms or risk them catching strange men and women sneaking out of the house when they’re up getting ready for school?”

“You’ve put a  _ lot  _ of thought into this.” He said. “Alright, I see your point, but what if we’re not compatible? You know, sexually.”

“Guess that's what BOB is for.” She said.

Derek raised an eyebrow. “Bob?”

“Battery operated boyfriend.” Emily said, breaking into a grin once more. “If you’re that worried about it, we could always risk ruining our friendship a little sooner.”

“As tempting as that is.” Derek chuckled. “I think that’d make things awkward if we  _ didn’t  _ end up still being single in five years.”

“What?” She teased. “You don’t trust me not to slip that into my best man toast at your wedding?”

“Oh, you think you’re gonna be my best man?”

“I’d throw a better bachelor party than Reid.” She said, arching a brow. “I don’t think he’d have the nerve to hire a stripper, and I happen to know a few agencies with very tasteful options…”

“Alright, alright! Fine!” He said. “In five years, if neither of us have found the loves of our lives, I’ll put a ring on it. Who knows? Maybe we’d end up loving each other.”

“In a way, we kinda already do.” She said. “I love you like a best friend, and  _ that  _ beats romantic love in my book  _ any  _ day of the week. I think we’d be alright.”

Derek smiled. “Well then I guess I love you too.” He said. “Like a best friend.”

Emily smiled back at him and patted his leg affectionately and  _ that’s  _ when it happened. The stomach flip. The realization that he could think of worse things than spending the rest of his life with Emily Prentiss and the secret hope that in five years, Derek  _ would  _ have an excuse to be with her. It rattled him, to say the least. They settled in for a few more hours of tv that ended with Emily falling asleep curled up next to him, snoring softly. Worse things indeed. It wouldn’t fully hit him until later, but when he looked back on that night later, he would realize that  _ that  _ was the moment he knew he loved her. It was jarring and unorthodox, to fall in love over a pact to be someone’s backup plan, but Derek thought there were stranger ways to fall for someone. And who knew? If he played his cards right and let things progress naturally, maybe the ‘best friend love’ that Emily had mentioned would turn into more and they wouldn’t  _ have  _ to wait five more years to get together.

Maybe.

A year and a half on, Ian Doyle made their five year pact a moot point. Derek didn’t think that he could  _ ever  _ forget watching the light leave Emily’s eyes even as he begged her to stay. He wished he had gotten there sooner, he wished that it had been him instead. They’d grown even closer in that year and a half, yet Derek had never quite been able to bring himself to confess that he felt something more. 

Even when she teased and flirted with him, even when they spent a Friday night in, ordering takeout and watching movies, or when Emily let him win at poker, Derek always told himself that those words were better left unsaid, better saved for another time. He had lost the woman he loved, had her practically die in his arms, and yet he had never gotten the courage to tell her that he didn’t want a five year pact because  _ she  _ was the only one he wanted to be with. The guilt consumed him.

The grief counselor that the bureau had instructed him to see, reminding him that the sessions  _ weren’t  _ optional, probed him until he broke down and told her the truth. Emily had been more than just a partner and friend to him. Instead of the gentle reprimand for blurring the lines of work and love that Derek had been expecting, the therapist offered a surprising exercise.

“You want me to write a letter?” He asked. “To a dead woman? I’m hearing this right?”

“I think it would be beneficial.” The therapist said with a nod. “Agent Morgan, you are consumed by regret, you said so yourself. You never got a chance to tell Agent Prentiss how you felt, so here’s your chance.”

“No offense, doc.” Derek said, leaning forward. “But I don’t really see how writing a love letter to someone who will never read it is gonna help me.”

“Well, you would be writing it for yourself.” The therapist said. “It’s a way for you to get out all the things you never got to say. You’ve mentioned going to her grave and talking to her. It’s not really much different than that, is it?”

“I guess not.” He said. “Then what? I bring them to you and read them out loud?”

“Only if you want to.” She said. “If you would prefer to keep them private, that’s fine too. This is about  _ you,  _ Derek. Getting  _ you  _ to the point where you feel like you can move on without feeling you’re betraying Emily.”

“Okay, fine.” He sighed. “I’ll do it. But let’s get one thing straight: no matter how much time passes or how far I’m able to move on, I will never,  _ ever  _ get over Emily Prentiss. Not as long as I’m alive.”

That was the thought rattling around in his head two nights later as he sat at the desk in his living room, staring down at a blank sheet of paper, not sure where to begin. In his mind, he had rehearsed what he’d wanted to say to Emily so many times that nothing ever sounded right to him. It was part of the reason why he had missed his chance with her in the first place, combined with a healthy fear of rejection. Now he was writing to a ghost, and that somehow made it even harder. Derek sighed, massaged his temples, and picked up the pen, determined to see this through. She would never read it, but maybe, just maybe, putting it out into the universe would be enough.

_ Dear Emily, _

_ I’ve never been good at this kind of thing. Letters. Essays, I could do. Boring emails to the brass when I was the interim chief. Getting personal, though? Well, you knew that better than anyone. It’s been two months since we put you in the ground. It still doesn’t feel real, princess. I don’t think it’s ever gonna feel real. You know, I always figured that if one of us went back on that little deal we had, it would be you. I just didn’t think you’d do it like this. I always figured you’d meet some guy, fall madly in love, and forget all about me once you rode off into the sunset. I would have rather lost you that way. It’s funny, if I had known that I was gonna lose you like this, I might have actually had the balls to say it to your face.  _

_ I loved you. No, I  _ love  _ you. I think I’ll probably always love you. The truth is, I didn’t  _ want  _ the deal anymore. I wanted you. All your messy eating and snoring like a damn buzzsaw. That look you got on your face when you were pissed at me and how you’d get even madder when I laughed. You thought I was making fun of you, but I just thought you looked cute. I always did. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, but I think we could have made it work. You saw right through all my bullshit and whether you wanted to admit it or not, I saw through all yours.  _

_ I’m still so angry. All I want is to find the son of a bitch who took you from us, from  _ me,  _ and make him pay. The truth is, I would kill Doyle a thousand times in a thousand different ways and I don’t think it would ever be enough. I’d let him kill me a million times over if it brought you back. I’d take your place in a heartbeat. I guess that’s what love is, right? Loving someone more than you love yourself. In that case, I think I loved you a lot longer than I thought I did. I just wish I could have told you that when you were still here. Maybe things would have been different. Now I’ll never know. What I do know is this: I’ll never stop loving you, I’ll never forget you, and my search for you will never end. _

_ All my love, _

_ Derek _

When she returned seven months after the last time he had seen her, the first, last, and  _ only  _ time he had held her in his arms the way he had longed to, Derek’s world fell off its axis. Emily was alive, had  _ always  _ been alive and he had spent seven months in anguish over a lie. He wanted to be angry, but he couldn’t. Not when she was there. Not when he had gotten her back, the one thing he had spent seven months wishing for, though he had never once believed it was an actual possibility. Right or wrong, he loved her and she was alive. Yet he still couldn’t bring himself to tell her how he truly felt. It made him awkward around her, distant in a way he had never been before. Emily clearly noticed the change in him, the shift in their relationship. 

It hurt her, no matter what she said about understanding that he needed time and how she didn’t expect to repair their friendship overnight. Derek  _ knew  _ that she could sense that whatever had changed between them was something deeper than just the obvious feelings of betrayal. For his part, Derek never denied her requests to spend time with him, and Emily was almost overly accommodating towards him. But it wasn’t the same and they both knew it. Finally, a few months after her return to the BAU, Emily could take it no more. They were hanging out, much like they had in the good old days, except instead of pizza they ate wings and there was no invasion of personal space. In fact, when they happened to reach for the six pack of beer they were working on and Emily’s fingers brushed Derek’s, he recoiled as if her touch had burned him. Emily sighed and pulled away as well.

“Okay.” She said. “What’s going on?”

Derek raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I think you know, Morgan.” Emily replied. “Look, I’ve tried to give you space but something tells me that this is about more than just what happened with Doyle.”

“It’s complicated.” He said, looking away. “I don’t want to make this any harder than it has to be.”

“I’m a big girl, Morgan.” She said. “Whatever it is, I promise you I can take it. Now spill.”

“Listen, Emily.” He said. “Losing you hit me hard. You know that, but there’s a lot you still don’t know.”

“Okay.” She said slowly. “What don’t I know?”

“Hold on.” He said and got up, going to his desk. He returned with a bundle of papers which he held tightly in his hands. “When I was in grief counseling, my therapist thought it would help if I wrote letters to you. I thought it was bullshit at first, but it became a coping mechanism. Everything I never got to say, I wrote down. They were supposed to be for me, to help me get past this. If I let you read them, there’s no going back. But I think you need to.”

Emily hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Hell no.” He said. “But I think it would help explain why everything is so different. Just...just try to understand where I’m coming from with this, Emily.”

Derek offered the letters to her, as if he were offering his most prized possession and in a way, he was. Emily took them carefully, trying to treat them with the importance that they so clearly held for him. She read the first letter and her hand flew to her mouth. Her eyes filled with tears. They spilled out of her eyes and left trails on her cheeks as she drank in Derek’s words to her, every thought and feeling he had kept locked away inside. She got to the last one, dated just a week before her return, and it took her breath away.

_ My Emily, _

_ It’s been almost seven months without you. Seven months. I know you were never mine to lose, you were never mine in the first place, but damn it, it hurts like hell anyway. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. You’re in every single one of my dreams. Sometimes it’s just us, like the way we always were. Sometimes, I think it’s the future we could’ve had. I keep thinking about what our kids would have looked like, I know you talked about adopting but I just keep thinking about some little person with my eyes and your nose, our sense of humor. God damn, I miss you so much. _

_ What if we had done it, Em? Gotten together, gotten married. I keep seeing you with a belly full of baby that I helped you make, or that goofy, teary-eyed grin I know you’d have on your face the first time you held that child in your arms. I know it probably wouldn’t have gone that way, but I can’t help myself. Somewhere between us striking that deal and the day you died, I fell in love with you and I don’t think there’s anyone who could ever take your place. It hurts too much to think about. I can’t see myself ever being with someone else and feeling even half of what I felt for you. I might move on but I don’t think it’ll be very far. I think you might have been it for me, princess. What luck. What fucking luck.  _

_ I just want you here with me. _

_ I don’t know if you would have loved me back. You’d probably have laughed in my face. But maybe you wouldn’t have. I guess I’ll never know now. I know life’s not fair, but I wish I had been brave enough to put myself out there while you were still here. At least then I’d know. Even if you had broken my heart, I don’t think I would mind. I would let you break my heart a thousand times if it meant you were here. I’m gonna go visit you tomorrow. I’ll bring you sunflowers, I know those were your favorite. I hope wherever you are, you know you’re not alone. I hope you know that none of us forgot about you, and we all miss you. _

_ I miss you. So much. _

_ I love you, _

_ Derek _

  
  


Emily looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. She didn’t speak for a long time. Derek’s heart sunk down to his ankles. He had upset her. He’d hurt her. Whatever chance they’d had at repairing their friendship was ruined by how he felt and what he’d written. He couldn’t say he was sorry, for either his words nor the feelings that had caused him to write them. Derek opened his mouth to say something, anything, when Emily set his letters aside and reached into her bag, producing her own folded stack of paper.

“I wrote letters too.” She said. “To everyone but mostly to you. I didn’t- I felt so  _ guilty  _ about leaving you the most. I didn’t know if I would ever get the chance to give it to you but I- I think after all you’ve been through, especially after- I think you deserve to know.”

She placed the papers in Derek’s hands and closed his fingers around them. Derek looked down at them, then back at Emily, who was wiping the tears off of her face and looking up at the ceiling. He slowly unfolded the letters and as he read, confusion gave way to understanding. Each letter was several pages long and Emily had obviously poured her heart out into every single one. With each word, Derek’s heart began to swell and when he reached the final one, it felt as if his heart might burst forth from his chest.

_ Dear Derek, _

_ Every day since the last time I saw you feels like a year. Boston seems like a lifetime ago now but your face on that night feels as clear in my mind as if it were yesterday. I never forgot it. The way you looked, what you told me, how you held my hand. You made me feel safe in what I thought for sure would be my final moments. I think that’s when I knew for sure you loved me, and I think that’s why I was okay with dying. I wouldn’t get to grow old with you, but at least I knew that the person I loved, loved me back. _

_ You want to know a secret? It’s pretty dumb, but I had a massive crush on you for years. I thought for sure you had to have figured it out with that stupid pact. I was so obvious, I couldn’t believe you actually agreed to it. I could never actually figure out why you  _ did  _ agree to it in the first place, not until that night. I mean, I had wondered and hoped but to really  _ know  _ it was...it was more than I could ever ask for. _

_ I feel like the old cliché is to tell you that I’m not sure when this crush turned into love, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I know  _ exactly  _ when it was. Do you remember when Spence dragged us to that old arcade? Hotch and Garcia got into a pinball competition and Rossi beat JJ at Dance Dance Revolution. There was that shooter game that we played, we must have spent twenty bucks between the two of us on that thing and on our way to go get drinks we passed the crane machine. You saw this silly little stuffed ghost all the way in the back of the stupid thing and joked that it reminded you of me. I laughed and didn’t think anything of it until we left and you handed it to me. I asked you how many tries it had taken you to get it and you said about ten. I couldn’t believe it. It was so small but you went out of your way just because you thought it would make me smile. You were always doing stuff like that and  _ that’s  _ when I realized that I loved you. _

_ I know I never said it in person, hell, I’ve barely been able to bring myself to say it in these letters. You know me, I suck at feelings. But I  _ do  _ feel it. I love you. I love you and I think I could have loved you the rest of my life if things had been different. I keep praying that one day I’ll get the call that you guys caught Doyle and I can come home, maybe I could get another chance with you. I don’t know that that’ll ever happen, but it’s the one thing that keeps me going when I’m at my lowest. I miss you. I love you. And if I ever get the chance again, I’m going to let you know it. _

_ Yours forever, _

_ Emily _

Derek looked up at Emily, who had a mixture of fear and hope written all over her face. He looked down at the letters and back up at her, scarcely able to believe it. All those nights, all those letters, and somewhere a thousand miles away, Emily had been thinking and feeling those same things too. She wrote them all down in that pretty, flowing cursive, saying it more beautifully than he could ever hope to. Her words were worth more than gold to him, and the word “love” in Emily’s handwriting felt like it would be etched into his heart for the rest of his life now.

“I uh-“ Derek said, struggling to find words for what he wanted to say. “You still feel like this?”

“Yeah, Derek.” Emily replied. “I never stopped. I- do you-? Still feel the same way you did when you wrote your letters?”

“Emily.” He said, moving to take hold of her shoulders, still gripping the letters in one hand. “There is  _ nothing  _ in this world that could change the way I feel about you. I think I’d feel the same in another fifty years.”

“Oh.” She said. There was a beat of silence. “So now what? What do we do?”

Derek set down the letters next to his and moved to tuck Emily’s hair behind her ear. His fingers brushed her cheek. “I don’t know.” He said. “What do you want to do about this?”

“I think it's about time we ruined the friendship.” She said, her voice barely a breath.

“What?” He chuckled. “You don’t wanna wait three more years to make good on our deal?”

“Loophole.” She said. “I fell in love with the guy I made the deal with. I’m pretty sure that cancels it out.”

Derek grinned. “Well that’s  _ awfully  _ convenient for you.”

“Shut up.” Emily laughed and pulled him in until her lips met his.

They were rougher than she had expected but still warm and familiar, both nothing and everything like Emily had imagined. She felt safe with Derek, he felt like home. Derek kissed her back and Emily opened her mouth to let his tongue slip in, moaning softly when he found hers, swirling against it. She took his hand and led him to the bedroom, kissing him the whole way there. Derek picked her up and laid her gently on the bed, lifting her shirt up over her head. Emily returned the favor and then tugged at his grey sweatpants, noting the bulge that was already starting to form. Derek grabbed at her shorts and peeled them off. She wasn’t wearing any underwear, and he groaned his approval as his hands felt between her slick folds. She pulled down Derek’s boxers and grabbed his swollen member, stroking it, enjoying the way it felt throbbing in her hand. Derek moaned again, his hips seeming to thrust of their own volition at her touch. Emily pulled him close to her, kissing him and he paused. 

“Emily, are you sure?” He asked. “We don’t have to do this right now if you’re not ready…”

“I’m ready.” She said. “I’ve  _ been  _ ready for two damn years. Now stop trying to convince me that I don’t want this and put it in me already!”

“Put it in you?” Derek said with a smirk. “How romantic of you, princess.”

  
  


Emily laughed. “You know you love me.”

“That I do, princess.” He chuckled. “That I do.”

Emily smiled and kissed him again, Derek responding in kind. She pushed her tongue into his mouth and his darted out to meet her. He hooked Emily’s leg around his hip, aligning himself with her entrance. A few hot, sloppy kisses later and he was inside, pushing into her. Emily bit back a gasp at the breach and smiled as he began moving within her. They got into a groove fairly quickly and pleasure began to build.

“I gotta hand it to you, Morgan.” She said, rolling her hips to meet his thrust. “You’re not half bad at this.”

“Are you always this antagonistic in bed, Em?” He asked. “Or am I just special?”

“You’re fun to tease.” She said. “Maybe you just needed to find a date who wasn’t such a wet blanket.”

“You’re pretty wet right now.” He said. “I mean, I certainly don’t hear you complaining.”

“So you  _ do  _ have some bite.” Emily said, laughter turning to a gasp as Derek continued to thrust up into her. “God, this is better than I thought it would be.”

“Oh, you thought about this, huh?” Derek joked. “Is this what you imagined when you were using that battery operated boyfriend of yours?”

“Wouldn’t  _ you  _ like to know?” She replied. “I bet you and your hand considered it more than once.”

“I’m not the one denying it.” He said. “And can you really blame me? You’re so beautiful “

“Well don’t stop flattering me now, Morgan.” She teased. “Go on, keep telling me how great I am.”

“Oh, is  _ that  _ what gets you off, Prentiss?” He said. “You’re starting to sound like an unsub.”

“Ugh, don’t talk to me about work when you’re six inches deep in me.” She said. “It’s not exactly an aphrodisiac, is it?”

“Six?”

“Okay, nine inches.” She whimpered. “Definitely nine.”

“That’s better.” He said. “Goddamn, for someone who acts so unimpressed, you’re pretty easy to please.”

“Yeah well,” She said. “Don’t congratulate yourself just yet. Unless I missed something, you haven’t gotten me off just yet.”

“Maybe I should just torture you.” Derek suggested. “I kind of like the idea of you being ready to choke me out before I make you come.”

“Oh that is  _ dangerous,  _ Agent Morgan.” Emily said, gasping. “You’re playing with fire.”

“Or there’s always the safe bet.” He said, pinching a nipple between his thumb and finger, savoring the way she bit her lip and her muscles tightened around him as a low groan escaped her throat. “You know, you  _ really  _ should be careful what you tell me during drunken games of two truth and a lie.”

“Cheater.” She hissed. “Oh god…”

“You love it.” He said, capturing her lips once more. “I think you want me to do it again.”

“Yes.” She said, her voice a low groan. “Do it again.”

“God, were you always this bossy?” He asked. “A ‘please’ would be nice, you know.” 

“Now.” She growled, grabbing Derek’s hand and placing it on her breast. “You know I’m about as much of a fairy princess as you are, if you want someone to politely bang you, try Canada.”

“You’re right.” He said. “I like it when you boss me around.”

Emily laughed. “I know you do.”

“Can’t tell you how many times I fantasized about doing this against one of the SUVs after taking down an unsub.” He muttered. “I don’t know how you manage to make Kevlar look sexy.”

“Oh, you like that, huh?” She said, sucking in a sharp breath as his thrusting increased and he played with her nipples while he sucked on her neck. “Maybe I should have suggested a little role play then. Oh-! Don’t stop...yeah, right there. Harder.”

Derek grinned. “Yes ma’am.”

Emily panted as he pounded into her, feeling herself get closer and closer to the edge. She bit her lip hard enough that she tasted the warm metallic tang of blood. Her body seized as she came, a sharp cry tearing from her throat. Derek didn’t relent, continuing to pound into her and draw out her ecstasy. No sooner had she finished that she felt his breath hot against her ear, tickling her.

“Again.” He growled. “I want you to come again.”

“God, yes.” She said. 

His hand snaked down to rub her clit as he continued to thrust, and she could feel her stomach tightening, getting strangely hot. Her second orgasm came much more quickly than the first and she swore she saw white spots behind her eyes when it happened. If they had wanted to change the status of their relationship with each other,  _ this  _ certainly qualified. Derek’s movements got more sporadic as he approached his release and it was Emily’s turn to whisper in  _ his _ ear.

“Let go.”

That was all it took.

Later on that night, it would occur to Emily that they perhaps should have discussed contraception prior to falling into bed with one another. She was on birth control, yes, but still Emily wondered if they should have played it safe by supplementing with a condom. Somehow, she didn’t think kicking off their new relationship with an unplanned pregnancy would be the smartest move. But in that moment, when he was emptying himself inside of her, the only thought that crossed Emily’s mind was how damn  _ good _ it felt and if she was telling the truth, Derek Morgan was probably the only person she trusted enough to not take  _ every  _ precaution available to her. Something told her that even on the off chance that the nine percent failure rate beat out the ninety-one percent success rate, there was enough love between them that they could figure it out. When Derek rolled off of her, planting a quick kiss on her forehead, she smiled at him.

“That was…”

“Good.” He said, finishing her thought. “Right?”

“Really good.” She agreed with a nod. “I guess if we wanted to ruin the friendship, that was the way to go.”

Derek shot her a concerned look. “Are you okay?”

Emily nodded and moved in closer to him, laying her head on his chest. The sound of his heart beating in her ear felt oddly comforting.

“I’m more than okay.” She said. “I’ve just wanted this for so long and now that I have it, I guess I just don’t know what to do with myself.”

“I know the feeling.” He chuckled. “We got the love, now we’ve gotta figure out how to turn this into something that’s gonna work.”

Emily smirked. “You think you’re up to the challenge?”

“Oh without a doubt, princess.” He said, kissing the top of her head. “I’m in if you’re in.”

“I’m in.” She said. “All in.”

“Good.” Derek smiled. “I’m all in too.”

They held each other close that night, knowing that they were on the brink of something new. What they’d had before was completely different to what they were embarking on, but both felt a sense of hope. They’d made it this far, it was time to see where it all led.

It was easier said than done, moving from a platonic if flirtatious relationship into a romantic one. The team was thrilled for them, even if Hotch  _ did  _ grumble about all of the extra paperwork they were causing him. Still, as the novelty wore off and the real work of building a relationship began, Derek and Emily found that it was less of a straight path and more of a winding path. There were fights, words shouted in anger and doors slammed that they had to work through. There were the nightmares that they were both plagued with after the hell they had been through. There was more than one time when one or both of them thought of calling the whole thing off, worried that even with everything between them, there might be too many obstacles that they just couldn’t overcome. 

But there was love, too, and a stubbornness that they both had to see this thing to the end, whatever it may be. They had to learn each other in a different context and little by little, they did. Derek learned that taking a time out during an argument helped them to be able to resolve things without Emily shutting down because she was overwhelmed, and Emily learned that when Derek woke in a cold sweat from nightmares about her dying in his arms, that just sitting with him quietly, holding his hand and reassuring him that everything was alright worked best to calm him down. They took joy in small things, like Derek teasing Emily for being a terrible cook when she managed to ruin a pre-packaged salad then taking her to the best little hole in the wall pizza place she had ever been to, or Emily finding out that Derek was a master at getting all of the questions right on an episode of Jeopardy. They played hard and loved harder and they grew both as individuals and as a couple. They thought they had hit their stride until the dual blow of Izzy Rogers and her attack in a DC bank and Clyde Easter with his job offer for Emily to run the London office of Interpol. Suddenly, in Derek’s mind at least, a seed of doubt began to take root and when the topic of the row house that Emily had purchased came up at JJ’s impromptu wedding, he took her hesitation and apprehension to mean that Emily was having second thoughts about more than just her current address.

“You wanna leave.” He said. “Don’t you?”

“I didn’t say that.” Emily replied defensively.

“But you’re thinking about it.” Derek replied. “Is this about Easter? The job offer?”

“Derek, come on.” Emily said, lowering her voice. “Can we please talk about this later?”

“I’m sorry.” He shrugged. “I guess I just want to know if this thing between us is over or not.”

“Seriously?!” She said. “You think that I’m just gonna  _ dump  _ you for some job?! Is that it?”

Derek stared at her, his expression unreadable. It only made Emily more furious.

“If you  _ really  _ think.” She said. “That I want this job more than I love you, then maybe we  _ should  _ break up, because you  _ clearly  _ don’t know me at all.”

Emily tried to push past him, but Derek grabbed her arm and gently pulled her back.

“Hey, princess come on now.” He said softly. “You know I don’t really think that. I’m just confused and I feel like you’ve been sending some mixed signals the past couple days. So if it’s not that, then what is it?”

“It’s not you.” She said. “I  _ love  _ you. I just feel like I can’t grab on to my old life and pretend nothing happened and I- I think that no matter where I live or whether or not we’re together, I need a career change.”

Derek’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

“Yeah.” She said. “I- I know I should have talked to you about how I was feeling but I don’t think I really knew  _ what  _ exactly was wrong until recently.”

“Okay.” He said. “So where do we go from here?”

“I’m still figuring that part out.” She said. “But for what it’s worth, I want you  _ here  _ by my side while I try to do that. I don’t wanna make you think that me leaving the BAU means that I’m leaving you too.”

“Well I would hope so.” He said. “Cause I think what we’ve got going here is pretty damn good.”

“I do too.” She said. She grinned and punched him playfully on the shoulder. “And come  _ on,  _ Morgan. You really think I would take a job in another country without at least  _ talking  _ to you first? Especially now!”

“What does  _ that  _ mean?” Derek asked, frowning, his eyebrows knit together. “Especially now?”

“Well…” Emily said, her smile softening. “I just think you should get a say in something that life-changing since I’m having your baby and all.”

“Emily.” He said. “Don’t play with me, woman.”

“I’m not, I promise!” She laughed. “I took the test right before you came to pick me up. I was gonna tell you tomorrow morning, I got this coffee mug that says World’s Best Dad on it and I was gonna give it to you.”

“You’re serious?” He said, taking both of her hands in his. “You’re really pregnant?”

“It was a pretty clear positive.” She said. “It’s another reason to reconsider the row house, I don’t think we want to carry a stroller up and down those steps all the time. Are you- are you okay with this?”

“Princess, you’re having my baby.” He said. “I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my life!”

“Oh thank god.” She said. “Or this was gonna get  _ really  _ awkward in about eight more months.”

“I guess I better move up my proposal date now.” He chuckled. “I was gonna wait til we had officially been together a year, but now…”

“You were gonna ask me to marry you?”

Derek smiled, took a folded up piece of paper from his pocket, and handed it to Emily.

“See for yourself.” He said. “I’ve been carrying this around for the past month so you didn’t accidentally find it in the sock drawer or something.”

Emily gave him a curious look and unfolded the letter, reading it slowly. She didn’t know if it was pregnancy hormones or the overwhelming love she felt for Derek as she took in the words she had written.

_ My Love, _

_ It’s been a crazy year. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would get the chance to write these words. I’ll try to keep it short. Not long ago, I thought I had lost everything. Never had I imagined that not only would I get you back, alive and well, but that you would be just as in love with me as I am with you. I know that a year isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things but I also know that not many people are lucky enough to get a second shot at love. I don’t wanna waste anymore time with you. I love you. I’m more than just lucky, I’m blessed. Blessed to have you, blessed to love you. I count my blessings every single day that I get to wake up and call you mine. I wanna make that permanent. Even if you say no or not yet, I’m gonna love you. I’d wait a thousand years if that’s what it takes, but I really hope you’ll say yes. You make me happier than I’ve ever been princess, and I wanna make you happy for the rest of our lives if I can, so what do you say? _

_ Will you be my wife? _

_ Love you forever _

_ Derek _

Emily looked up, blinking back tears. Derek gazed back at her, all the love and hope that he felt written on his face. A year ago, she had been lost and alone, she had thought that she was doomed to live out her days in solitude. Now the man she loved stood before her with his heart in his hands, trusting her not to break it. There was only one answer she could give to him, the only answer she would  _ ever  _ have been able to give him, and as soon as that single, solitary word was out of her mouth, her heart felt as if it would take flight.

“Yes.”

Derek blinked. “Yes?”

“Yes, Derek.” Emily said, wrapping her arms around him. “Yes, of  _ course  _ I’ll marry you. I’m having your  _ child  _ for god’s sake! Did you ever think I’d say no?”

“I mean, I’d  _ hoped  _ you’d say yes.” He said sheepishly, grinning at her. “But you’ve always been a wild card.”

“I would marry you,” She said, kissing his lips once, twice, three times. “A million different ways in a million different lifetimes. Yes. The answer is yes.”

“Then that’s all I need to know.” He said, kissing her back. “We should probably wait like a week to start telling everyone.”

“We could always elope.”

Derek laughed. “Garcia would kill us!”

“Not if we told her we were giving her a godchild.” Emily said. “Are we crazy for doing this so soon?”

“If this is crazy, then I don’t wanna be sane.” Derek said. “Hey, I love you.”

Emily smiled, brilliant and beautiful. “I love you too.”

A year later, Emily sat at the desk in the bedroom she and Derek shared. She looked over her shoulder to see that Derek had fallen asleep with their daughter on his chest, both of them snoring. Emily smiled and rose to her feet, trying to step as quietly as she could. She kissed Derek’s forehead and moved the hand he had placed firmly on the baby’s back, her thumb ran fondly across the simple gold band that rested on his ring finger. She gently scooped their daughter up into her arms, kissing a soft chubby cheek, and laid her down in her bassinet. The little girl shifted a little in her sleep then settled, a tiny thumb finding its way into her mouth. Emily thought her heart would explode. She crept back to the desk and sat down, picked up her pen, and finished the letter that would later be tucked safely away in her daughter’s baby book.

_ My little Aaliyah, _

_ Someday when you’re all grown up, you’ll find and read all these and I hope you think of me and smile. But today you’re four months old, I can hardly believe it. It feels like only yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital, the day I started writing letters to you. You’ve already grown so much in such a short time, I can only imagine how it’ll feel by the time you’re old enough to read these. You’ve just started rolling over from your back to your tummy, and your favorite thing to do is blow bubbles and listen to daddy sing. You’re such a happy girl, ever since you learned how to smile, you’ve been doing it nonstop. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to you giggling. Every day I wonder how I got so lucky. _

_ I hope you remember, even when you’re mad at me, how much I love you. From the moment your dad and I found out you were gonna be part of our world, you’ve been the most important part of it. I never thought this would be my life, but I’m so glad it is. You and your daddy are my dream come true. My life is better because you’re in it and I cannot  _ wait  _ to see who you become. I know you’ll be amazing and I hope you know that no matter where you are or what you do, your mommy is going to be right there cheering you on. You are precious beyond measure, little one. _

_ Love you always, _

_ Mommy _


End file.
